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Английские и американские анекдоты

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Английские и американские анекдоты

1. A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, '' Father, I' m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old     girls. I made love with both of them twice.''
   The priest said: '' Well, my sun, when was the last time you were in confession?''
   '' Never Father, I'm Jewish.''
   '' So then, why are you telling me?''
    I'm telling everybody.''

2. Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married, but Benny just dates and dates.
    Finally, his friend asks him, '' What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?''
   '' No, I just can't, Benny replies. '' I meet many nise girls, but as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn' t like them. So I keep on looking!''
   '' Listen,'' his friend suggests, '' why don' t you find a girl who's just like your  mother?''
   Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
   '' So, have you found the perfect girl? One that's just like your mother?''
   Benny shrugss his shoulders, '' Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become good friends.''
   '' So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?''
   '' I' m afraid not. My father can' t stand her!''

3. Sadie goes to see her rabbi; she complains about her very bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
   All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjooyed, '' Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!''
   To which the rabbi replies, '' No, Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now.''

4. One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter  were walking along the beach, just at water' s edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
   '' Oh, God'', lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking fist. '' This was my ONLY baby. I can' t have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she' s been with me. Give her back to me, and I' ll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!''
   Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
   The mother looked up to heaven and said, '' She had on a HAT!!!!''

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5. The time is the French Revolution.
   Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.
   Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
   '' Yes, you heard right '', said Roberto, ''conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people' s heads in their thousands.''
   '' Oy vay '', moaned Yossi, '' what ever will happen to my hat business?''

6. '' If I were Rockefeller '', sighed the Hebrew teacher, '' I' d be richer than Rockefeller.''
   His friend asked, '' What do you mean? How could you be richer?''
   '' I' d do a little teaching on the side.''

7. The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
   Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
   As he watched , Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, '' I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?''
   God replied, '' Who can he tell?''

8. The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at down because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
   '' What an idiot that servant is!'' he cried angrily. '' I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!''

9. A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he' s wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, '' I take a nail out of the bag, and if  it's facing the roof, I use it, if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away.''
   The mayor tells him, '' You fool! Those are for the other side!''

10. The rabbi and the priest met every Sunday at 2 PM in the park to tell over week's event sat. They road their bicycles to a special bench every Sunday for twenty years.
   One Sunday the rabbi got to bench exactly at 2 and waied and waiteed. An hour went by and the priest was still not there.
   The rabbi rode home and called the priest on the phone. '' Hey, Father, what happened?'' The rabbi asked. '' For twenty years we' ve met at the park every Sunday, but today you didn't shhow up. What's wrong?
   '' Well Rabbi'', the priest explained , '' after church today I went out to get my bike to meet you, but my bike was missing. I know it must have been someone in my parish who took it. Rabbi, what should I do?''
   '' Well, that's quite a dilemma, Father.'' The rabbi said thoughtfully, '' I' ll tell you what you should do. Next Sunday when you give your sermon, speak of the Ten Commandments. When you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', look over your congregation, and the person with the guilty look will be the one who stole your bicycle.''
   The following Sunday at 2 the rabbi was already waiting for the priest.
   Promptly a 2 up rode the priest on his bike.
   '' Well, Father, my idea must have worked'', the rabbi said.
   '' Well, not quite'', the priest intoned. '' I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested. But when I got to the part about  'Thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I left my bike.''

11. Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. '' I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippy secretary in your office.
   Why would you do that to me?
   Haven' t  I always been the good wife? I' ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I' ve always been by your  side for thirty-five years. What haven' t  I done to make you happy?''
   Embarrassed, Morris confesses , '' It's true, Saidie, you' ve been the best wife a man could hope for.
   You make me happy in all ways but one. You don' t moan when we have sex!''
   '' If I moaned when we had sex, you' d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
   So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb between the sheets.
   As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, '' Now, Morris, should I moan now?''
   '' No, not yet.''
   Morris begins fondling Sadie. '' What about now? Should I moan now?''
   '' No, I tell you when.''
   They begin to make love...
   '' Is it time for me to moan, Morris?''
   '' Wait, I' ll tell you when.''
   Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells, '' Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!!''
   '' Oh! You wouldn' t  believe what a day I had!''

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